I didn't ever really think I'd find myself writing this blog post. I thought I'd be writing about more happier times, all my adventures and memories but sometimes life hits you in the face with a bag of broken glass. Oh and boy does it hurt. I'm not after views/comments or anything really from this blog post. I think it's more for me to allow myself to vent and finally put it all out there as another step of me moving forward and not holding onto the past any longer. So here we go, this is what turned my world up side down about a month ago today.
It's pretty hard to change routines isn't it? You know when you just know Sundays are for chilling with your 'bae' watching crap TV, and having your Sunday roast. Well that was my usual Sunday for me. However that Sunday was going to be the shittest Sunday of my life. Oh and I didn't even get to eat my Sunday dinner. That Sunday I found out my boyfriend of over a year had cheated on me just 8 hours before. In the past I'd be cheated on so I knew the game. I knew all the signs. But nothing really prepared me to have my heart broken by someone I finally put all my trust into. 
PING went my phone and some random girl had decided to message me on Facebook asking if I was seeing Jonny. There I was sat on the bed with him at the time. I started to shake instantly because I knew what was coming. Jonny had been out the night before for his mates birthday...It was coming. Luckily the girl wasn't the girl who he had cheated on me with. It was his mates girlfriend who kindly and thank the lord there are girls like this out there that couldn't allow him to do what he did and get away with it and decided to let me know. Before even saying anything to Jonny I broke down crying. The man I was so in love with betrayed my trust. And I guess from that point I was a mess. 
Don't get me wrong me and Jonny weren't perfect. We argued, bickered and even annoyed each other like hell. But the good times always out weighed the bad. We'd not long celebrated our anniversary and were planning a holiday together. We'd talked kids, moving in together, met families. It seemed like it was all set. Until that Sunday. Suddenly he was painting a whole new picture. The thing that hurt the most when he said he wasn't happy was that he had it pretty easy through-out our relationship. I did all the travel, I arranged all the cute stuff, I helped him with a lot of crap. But I never really wanted a lot from him other than to love me. I'd been single for 3 years previous to our relationship, Just being with someone again and feeling comfortable around someone to be naked meant so much to me. 
A lot of people have been shocked when I've told them we've split up. I was in shock it happened. I know he regrets it, and I regret allowing it to happen. Because when it happened what did I do I started to question myself, blame myself....but it wasn't my fault. The worst thing was I still wanted to be with him despite it all happening. I was willing to be with him. The thing that still sticks in my mind is that I didn't want to touch him after I found out. I feel like that was my head telling me to walk away. The thought of his hands ever being on me again made me sick. 
The whole break up was carried out for 3 days. Which probably made the whole thing even more harder to let go as my anger went less everyday. The day it officially ended it was hard, I cried, and cried. I think the thing that has pulled me through is realising he didn't actually make me that happy. he had a lot of flaws, which were pretty blinding to me while I was in love with him and happy. The thing I struggled with the most was having the routine taken away, I like dour life. But I've made my own routine now which is for myself, to better myself. 
Here I am now though, I haven't cried in over a week, I've been eating good, going to the gym and really giving myself some self care. Being cheated on is shit, it hurts like hell. But it also can make you or break you. It broke me the last time but this time I think it's made me. I found it really hard at first but now I'm here, Im feeling good about myself and I'm even pushing myself to go on dates! I've realised my family are amazing, and who my friends are while making new ones along the way. I'm now looking forward to some time away, meeting someone new who realises what a queen I am, and to hopefully getting my dream job! 

shout out to all the girls that get cheated on and keep their chin up, it's hard when you miss him but also hate him and hope he chokes on his food. 

MY TIPS TO COPE WHILE BEING A MESS
- buy ben and jerry's ASAP
- get wine
- download tinder (it's mainly fuck boys but they give good compliments) 
- go out with your friends 
- plan a holiday 
- get your nails done
- go shopping (retail therapy works)
- look like a sexy bitch everyday so he knows what he's lost xo